Archive | December, 2011

Today I will:

27 Dec

Today I will:

track my food

stay within my (weight watchers) Points

not freak out over Day 1 (Monday) being messed up already

not freak out over TTC

not mindlessly eat in front of TV tonight

 

***

my left ovary is hurting again.  This happened last month around O time.  Hmm

my girls were extremely sore to the slightest touch all day yesterday.  I think this also coincides with O time.

Mr Wolf wants me to call my MD to let her know these issues, but I’d hate to go be seen and get hit with a huge bill just to be told it’s my body regulating itself after a million years on The Pill. I think I”m putting off calling in for a few days.  :/

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mourning our cat & new goal

27 Dec

These holidays have been tinged with sadness for us.  Our beautiful cat J-lo passed away December 18th.  It came on suddenly, and the grief was intense.  She’d been fine at the start of the week.  Coming home from work one night, Mr. Wolf mentioned that he thought she’d been acting a little “off” to him.  I hadn’t noticed until he mentioned it.  She wasn’t as purry and happy, and seemed to walk really sluggishly.  She didn’t “meow” when he poured food into her food tray.  She didn’t run up to me when I called her for pattings.  She just wasn’t herself.  And she seemed to grow more tired throughout the night.  We thought it was just her tummy, that she’d sleep it off.  The next morning Mr. Wolf took her to the vet with his mom, and they discovered she had internal bleeding from trauma, with bruising under her chin and belly (which they found after shaving her fur, poor kitty).  The only thing we could thing of is that she had a bad landing off her cat condo perch.    I can’t even let my mind go there, it starts to shatter.  They gave her a blood transfusion, and she ate a little when we visited her during the visiting hours.  Later that night, she was cleared to go home, because as it was trauma she was expected to bounce back.  Only, she didn’t.  She didn’t want to eat, she didn’t move from her little bed by the heater.  We both held a vigil by her side that night, Mr Wolf sleeping on the couch, me on an exercise mat on the floor by her little bedbox.  In the morning, I moved to the bed and was woken by Mr Wolf, in despair because J-lo had stood up to walk but then hid under the bed in the spare room.  I think that’s when he knew she was not recovering.  She didn’t want to eat.  She’d only been licking water off our fingers that we dipped into her little water bowl.  Her breathing became labored.  We brought her back to the vet where they discovered that the fluid around her lungs had returned.  We could subject her to another chest tap, more procedures, another transfusion, but the vets said that her survival was unlikely.  We didn’t want to prolong her suffering. We had to make the impossible difficult decision to put her down.  We sat with her on the floor and patted and talked to her as the vet put her to sleep.  She passed away hearing our voice, and we cried for days on end.  That night was the worst one yet, without her sleeping in our bed.  Without seeing her making muffins on her favorite blanket.  The morning worse, waking up and then feeling that emptiness in our hearts.  No little J-lo following us around the kitchen, visiting us in the shower, watching me put on my jewelry.

It’s been really sad and empty in our homes.  And I think to myself, how much joy a baby would bring back to our lives.  But at the same time, everything feels sad.  I’m not as excited about TTC as I was before.  I think it’s emotionally on “hold” right now.  We’re still BDing, and I still have a sort of internal calendar in my mind (today is CD 11, and based on last month’s OPK, this is my O week), but I’m not as obsessed over it as last time.  This might be a good thing, as the stress may have hindered things.  But right now, it doesn’t really matter.  I’m going to try to focus on losing 5 lbs.  Ideally, I’d like to be back at my happy weight of 145.  But I don’t think that will ever happen for me.  I’ve been trying that for 2 years.  So for right now, I’ll focus on 5 lbs, and am changing my goal to 155 as a “happy weight” for myself.     

I am too intense-neurotic-crazy for this

14 Dec

Wow.  First month TTC, and I literally went crazy.  I convinced myself during the TWW that:

I was dizzy

I felt nauseous

My sense of smell was heightened

Spotting was implantation

I mean, REALLY convinced myself.

I was stressed, scouring the internet for symptoms, reading other symptoms, FEELING those symptoms, taking tests beginning 6 dpo, because I’d read on that TWW website that some women  got faint lines that early…

I went into this waayyyy too intense, with waaaayyyy too much process, and I think that just backfires on me.  I’m an over analyzer, a worry-wart by nature. I fret too much.  Name me a possibility, and I begin to freak out and obsess over it.  “Well, we’re doing a routine blood exam on you,” and immediately I go to worst case scenario in my mind and all sorts of horrible scenarios consume me until I get the results.  “What if I test for some horrible disease? What if by some freak accident, I contracted something.  Can’t you get diseases from gym towels?  What if it comes back saying I have X, or Y?!”  And all I can think of is how I’m going to die, or how I’m going to have some horrible disease, and the results will confirm this when they come in.

My obsession has been “what if I am infertile. What if for all these years, I’ve been wasting my money buying birth control pills.  How stupid I was two years ago, to freak out over missing four days of pills and think you were pregnant.  You idiot! You can’t get pregnant!”  Then I walk myself away from that line of thinking and start to obsess about Mr. Wolf.  “Well, what if Mr. Wolf’s boys aren’t fertile? What if his count is low? What if, what if, what if!”

I am driving myself crazy.  I need to step away, and not think about it.  I need to shut off my brain and just see if nature will take its course on its own.  I’m afraid of charting and temping, because with my personality I know I’ll just add to the stress.

What if I don’t ovulate? What if the charting will let me know if I have issues with ovulating?

There I go again.  I NEED TO STOP.

AF arrived today.  Today I will begin a different journey to baby.  Today, I will refocus on losing 15 lbs.  Today, I will vow to not freak out about whether or not I can drink wine, or whether or not I can run my fast sprints on the treadmill.  Baby  will arrive.  I need to make my body a healthier environment both for MY peace of mind (I mean, I already feel fat and am complaining that my clothes don’t look right!) and for Baby.  Things happen as they should, and no amount of testing-every-morning-and-night-and-staring-at-the-results-and-then-tossing-the-test-in-the-garbage-and-then-10-minutes- later-fishing-it-back-out-because-you-read-online-that-some-ladies-first-got-a- negative-and- second-guessed-it-and- then- fished- it –out- to -see -a -second -line -and –retesting- the- next –day- and- getting  -a- positive.

I’m 33 years old. Fertility issues don’t run in my family.  Fertility issues don’t run in Wolf’s family. We will be fine.  I need to just enjoy life and let what happens, happen .

please please please  please please please Baby come into our lives soon there’s nothing more I’ve ever wanted or will ever want and if I go through life devoid of holding you of loving you of having you I will just wither away and die slowly.