Archive | May, 2012

SA results and short break

29 May

So it looks like I’m going to be taking a short break from TTC for several reasons:

Mr. Wolf’s SA came back. My M.D. actually called me at 9 a.m. the very next morning – LOVE HER!  His mobility and motility are normal, morphology is 1%.  She referred us to the infertility clinic, and we have an appointment June 11th.

I’m not so devastated because I know that his morphology is due to lifestyle:  he lives off caffeine, and smokes a lot of MJ (born and bred with MJ in his family.)  He has a very stressful job, and he says it helps him to relax.  Before, his cat helped with stress management.  He’s had a really tough time coping after she passed away last year.  So I am worried that stress also affects morphology, however I have promised him nightly massages complete with candles and serene music.  I am hoping he follows through on his goal of running, as I know exercise also relieves stress!

We have a vacation to Aruba planned for end of August too 🙂  In the meantime, he has agreed to completely stop smoking.  He will also significantly cut back on caffeine.  He’s been taking a Centrum daily vitamin.  I briefly considered buying one of those GNC Mega Men vitamins, because I’d read on forums that it has helped other husbands’ fertility.  However, I am wary of buying into fertility myths.  So I’ll wait to see what the infertility specialist advises as far as vitamins, etc.

I’m also going to take a step back from obsessively logging each and every ovary twinge, knowing what part of my cycle I am in at any given moment, etc.  (I’ll still keep track of ovulation, cycle lengths!)  Instead, I will focus on trying to lose the 10 lbs I gained since the wedding, and the 25 lbs since moving in with Mr. Wolf three years ago (sigh.)

My hope is that by the time our vacation comes around end of August, my weight will be healthier, his morphology has had a chance to improve, and we will be on vacation and TTC won’t be as all-consuming as it has been in my mind [notice I did not say “relaxed,” a known swear word for TTC-ers].  In fact, this weekend I didn’t stalk twoweekwait.com, hellobee, or weddingbee TTC as I usually do!  That kind of helped me to wrap my mind around this little break.

I’m kind of scared to stop TTCing for these three months.  What if this cycle was the ONE CHANCE that his sperm would meet my egg?  What if there are no other chances?  This is THREE cycles I am going to avoid “trying”.  What if it messes everything up and I never get pregnant?

So, I guess I am still battling this in my mind.  But for now, I will try to wait and see what the infertility docs say, and will try not to think about it too much.  I’ll update on how this feels 🙂

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Nothing left to give

18 May

This morning I woke up to AF.

  F#!&#^$^$^^$.

Sunday I have my Day 3 lab work to check FSH.  Mr. Wolf has an SA scheduled for this week as well.

I feel like it’s never going to happen.  All of this “positive thinking” crap didn’t work.

I also have done everything under the sun to no avail:

I’ve done the relax thing twice:  we were in CANCUN for one cycle.  I wasn’t stressing at all about TTC in Cancun.  We were also in a log cabin in NH for another.  So, “Relax”= check.

Positive thinking

Low-dose Aspirin

Royal Jelly on an empty stomach – myself and Mr. Wolf

Pineapple Core at the appropriate times

Multi-vitamins for Mr. Wolf

Timing of BDing, of course

            We have failed Cycle 7.  I have nothing left to give. 

Terrified

17 May

It is Cycle Day 27.

No AF yet.

Last night and all day today I’ve been having these weird sensations in my abdomen.  Like sharp pangs.   So much that I haven’t even buttoned my work pants all day (thank God for H&M oversized shirts!)  I’ve never felt anything like this in my abdomen before.

I’m too terrified to even put into words what my mind is speculating, so I will let you do the speculating for me.

I’m also too terrified to take an HPT tonight.  My mind can’t take seeing a BFN.  My mind also can’t take seeing AF.

So I’m just pretending this isn’t happening.  I’m pretending it’s just another day, and not CD27.  In fact, not getting AF today doesn’t guarantee anything.  Don’t cycles get longer as well as shorter?  So far 27 days has been my longest. (Recap:  27 days, 27 days, 24 days, 23 days, now we are 27 and going).  I also have not gotten nauseous, my boobs don’t feel sore, etc.  I am extremely tired, but I also have had a rough week.  (If someone can help answer this I would appreciate it:  I know that stress before ovulation can delay period because ovulation itself was delayed.  Can stress AFTER ovulation affect period?  On Tuesday I had a scare with my mom.  Is that why AF is still not here, two days after the scare?)

Ugh. I’ll probably get AF tonight, or on someday maddening like CD30.  At which point I will be devastated.

Minor updates

16 May

it is Cycle Day 26 and so far, no AF.  Maybe it’s heading back to the 27 day cycles.  I’m kind of worried for logistic reasons about getting AF on Friday, because if they want a CD3 FSH test, the clinic I go to is closed on Sunday.  They might have other locations – I guess I’ll just cross that bridge when I get there.

I’m feeling cramping, like I’m about to get my period any minute now.  Although for the past few hours I’ve been feeling this strange sensation in my abdomen.  Like a localized pain.  It could be that I am bloated, and my pant button is pressing against that general area.

Oh and I did take a pregnancy test last night, at 12 dpo, and it was STARK GLEAMING WHITE.  Will I EVER see two lines?  Does that exist in my world???

in happy non-TTC related news….

My family is grateful and blessed. My mom had a very close call yesterday. I got a call at work that my mother was in the ER. During a routine CAT scan, she had a serious adverse reaction to the contrast dye. Seizures, convulsions, non-responsive. The scariest part is that she had even been tested to make sure she was not allergic. The cab ride to the hospital were the worst moments of my life. When my sister called and said she was with mom and that mom was speaking and recognized her, I don’t even know how to describe how that felt.

She is OK and at home, back to her normal self!!  I can’t even believe that I am back to whining about TTC when today could have turned to be a dark tragic day.  It makes me feel ungrateful, childish.  TTC is so all-consuming!

Every time I feel sorry for myself today for not being pregnant, I will remind myself that my family is alive and healthy.

waiting game

14 May

I used my last HPT on Sunday, which turned out to be 10 dpo.  I soooo wanted to get a positive on Mother’s Day !!!  I wasn’t so crushed when I saw the stark-white window on the strip, only because I am so damn used to it.  Because apparently food is comfort for me (hence the fact that my work pants are tight…), I went to Dunkin Donuts and got me and Mr. Wolf bagels. Take that, Negative HPT!!

 

My friends and family are the best – I got a few Happy Mother’s Day texts 🙂  My favorite was the text from my youngest sis, who thinks of me as a second mom  (I am 11 years older than her.)  We got a cake for my mom and took her out to lunch.  I had a few moments of sadness, where I wished so badly that I could be a soon-to-be mom, but in all it was a nice day.

 

Today I am 11 dpo, CD 24.  My cycles have been as follows coming off BC:  a few months of mid-cycle bleeding; then 27 days; 27 days; 24 days; 23 days.  If I had been following the “Cycles Are Getting Shorter” trend, I would have gotten AF Saturday at CD22. Thank GOD that didn’t happen!  So waiting game as to when AF will decide to curtsey for me.  I hope it stays away, but I have a feeling it won’t.  I am getting the stabby pains in right side, which I usually before AF.

CD20 blood draw – epic mix up

10 May

Today I went in for my Cycle Day 20 progesterone test.  My gyn wanted a Day 20 instead of 21 because my luteal phase is a little short (not so short that she seems concerned, yet).  She also ordered CD3 bloodwork for FSH and other things that will determine PCOS, etc.

So I get to the lab, no wait. YES!  I tell the tech I need bloodwork, and he tells me that there’s all sorts of labs scheduled, and which one do I need?  There was a glucose one that was back ordered (I had no clue about this one.)

“I need the progesterone.”

“Oh, they have the progesterone as tomorrow, the 11th”.

Panick. Did I count my days correctly in my calendar?  Of course I did.  I started obsessing over this date the minute the GYN told me to draw blood Day 20.  I even counted the days on my calendar print-out, full of little notes, right in front of her, and confirmed the date.

“They did it wrong.  She wanted a Day 20 Progesterone test.  Today is Day 20.”  <<in my head:  ohmigod I cannot believe I am discussing my m- cycle with a lab technician-  thank God there is nobody in the waiting area>>  

“OK, there’s other tests here too. FSH?”

“Yes, she wants those on Cycle Day 3, which will be… I’m not sure when but I’ll come in on cycle day 3 for that”  <<aaaaawkwaaaaard>>

I proceed to show him her actual NOTES to me, specifying Cycle Day 20 Progesterone, Cycle Day 3 FSH, etc., Partner: S A.

Yep, he read that too.

So to clear up the confusion (which I totally get isn’t HIS fault, it’s the way they entered it in the computer), he called the nurse, who tells me:

“Oh, you’re there a day early.  Progesterone is Cycle Day 21”

         <<  OH MY GOD DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS AGAIN? >>

“….Sigh… Yes, but Dr. N explained that because my luteal phase <<eep>> is shorter than usual, she wanted it done on Cycle Day 20.”

“Oh I  see.  OK, so you’re there for CD20 Progesterone.”

<< !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stay calm, breathe, it’s gonna be OK. >>

“Yes. Can you confirm with the tech so he can enter it?”

EPIC.

Well, the good thing is that at least he asked me BEFORE he started running the other tests and I got what I was supposed to get: the CD20/ 7 dpo blood draw.  Otherwise it would have delayed everything.  Now I wonder what numbers I should be hoping for!

A post to God.

9 May

So this morning I had a sort of epiphany.  Well, I guess I shouldn’t really call it an epiphany, because these thoughts have been lurking in my head and I’ve been too ashamed to admit them to anyone.  Well, obviously I’ve admitted this to Mr. Wolf – we tell each other every little thing.  But I was reading a fellow TTC-ers blog and suddenly it all clicked in my head (via a long reply):  I am mad at God.  And I am so ashamed of this.  I have NO REASON to be mad at Him.   So let’s start at the beginning:

Growing up, my mom and dad brought us up in the church.  We have always gone to Baptist churches.  My first memory of church was going with my dad, and him walking with me to this (what I now know to be as..) Sunday School class, where there were different stations in which you could choose an activity.  I was really young, and even though the teacher was so nice, and the activities looked fun, I wanted to stay with Papi (dad).  Our family bounced around different churches, and finally stayed for a while at my uncle’s church, where he was the Pastor.  We had fun at that church:  there were youth groups on Friday night, and my sister and cousins, and a few other kids were in a singing group.  A Christian Rock Band, if you will. 😉  We even visited other churches to perform, ha ha.  Anyway over time I stopped going to church… but God has still always been in my heart.  I still always try to live by what I grew up learning in church and in the Bible.  Sure, I lived with Mr. Wolf before marriage, and over the years I’ve always been more lax about my Faith in God and the teachings of the Bible.  Am I allowed to say I have Faith when I don’t go to church?  Am I allowed to say that I still had God in my heart even when I lived with Mr. Wolf before marriage?  Am I allowed to pray for a baby, even though I have left the institution of Church years and years ago?  I enjoy church: it’s nice to hear someone preach the Word, and it’s nice to be around other people that believe in what you do.  But I also like my Sundays to myself.  I work full time, I go to college classes at night.  And my time to myself will be even less when we have a child.  I don’t feel that I NEED to go to church to be allowed to say that I am a Christian.  Do I?  I am very sorry that I have admitted that I am mad at God.  It makes me sad to even think that.  But I guess the first step to righting your wrongs is admitting it.  So this is a post to God:  I am sorry I am mad at you, and that I think that praying is pointless.  I’m sorry if I’ve wondered what the point of asking you for something is, if you only let things happens when you want them to.  I’m sorry if I’m bitter about Your Grand Plan for me.  I know that you do what is best for me.  And you have kept papi cancer free after his prostrate cancer scare 10+ years ago. And mami, my two sisters, my husband, my nephew…. Everyone is healthy.  I should stop crying and being upset for what I DON’T have (yet), and be grateful for everything that You have done for me and my family.  I still don’t want to go to church, but I want to be more spiritual in my life.  Because being close to you feels right.