Archive | October, 2012

Blog Therapy Session

11 Oct

 

Last night a friend I haven’t really talked to in a while texted me and asked if I was pregnant, because she had a dream that someone she knew was pregnant.  This in turn led me to POAS as soon as I got home from work.  BFN of course.  Last Saturday, I was dropping Mr Wolf at my MILs house, and she told me that I had a “glow”.  She kept saying that there was something different about me, and that there might be something going on that I don’t know about.  I’ve been scared to put much stock into that, since she’s known to have a strange sort of intuition, and I’m trying to just not think about it. But how can I not?  Last night, I also had a dream that I took an HPT and I saw two lines. 

 

So I took TWO tests this morning at CD 24- a $ store brand (Clear Choice), and a more expensive brand (I forget which brand, maybe EPT) for “confirmation” since I was absolutely convinced it’d be a positive.  Aaand of course, BFN.

 

Why are all these strange things coming to a head suddenly?  Out of the blue, I’ve been feeling different sorts of “symptoms”.  And for fear of “symptom spotting”, which I’ve sworn to never do again, and for fear of my heart shattering when I do get AF and realize that I’ve just been going crazy this cycle, I almost don’t want to talk about these supposed symptoms.  But I’ve felt twinges around uterus I’ve never felt.  Yesterday in a fitness class, I couldn’t finish an ab exercise because it just felt so “off”.  Also, yesterday I felt these stabbing sensations in BBs, a little different than typical sore BBs. I’ve also felt clingier to Mr Wolf all week.  So if I combine all these strange things with family and friends, and then these little signs, do we have here Hysterical Pregnancy Symptoms? http://www.buzzle.com/articles/hysterical-pregnancy-symptoms.html

I feel as though I am truly driving myself mad.  But I just don’t know what else to do!  I’ve tried ever single approach:

 

The excitement/giddiness of first coming off BC, where you think there’s going to be an immediate conception

The tracking

The symptom/spotting learning my lesson

The “fake” relaxation (booking massages, and a cabin weekend in the mountains to force myself not to think about it, all the while doing the opposite)

The “handing it over to a Higher Power”

The REAL relaxation (learning Mr Wolf’s morphology was 1%, learning that it could be improved, and so suddenly not thinking about TTC and enjoying life and Caribbean vacations, etc.)

The “Jinxing Myself Pregnant” (taking on THREE classes this semester – as soon as you shouldn’t get pregnant, you become it!)

 

I don’t even know anymore. I’ve done it all. 

 

Looking back at my calendar since February (when AF started to become normal after getting off BC), my CD1s range from 22 days to 28 days.  So, I’m either two days late and HPTs aren’t picking anything up yet, or it’s too early to pick anything up, or AF is on her way and I’m just plain crazy.  I’ve heard of stories where a positive is only picked up through bloodwork.  My mom told me that hers never registered on HPTs, only bloodwork.  So I’ve been secretly clinging on to this hope.

 

I’m not sure how to end this post, it was mainly to just vent these feelings/frustrations.  It’s very therapeutic.

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