Headed to Month 6

I find myself at a strange point where I don’t know if I feel numb, resigned, sad, hopeful, or optimistic.  Maybe I feel all of the above at the same time.  All signs are pointing toward the fact that we are moving on to Month 6 of trying to conceive.  This past cycle, I took a few steps back.  I didn’t obsess over my Outlook Calendar.  I didn’t open each day, and pore over every possible symptom I jotted down.  For example, a day could like this: CD9, BBs (sore boobs), Cs (cramps), ewcm (we all know what that is).  I didn’t compare CD9 of this past month with CD9 of the previous.  In fact, the only vigilance on my part was the OPK, and only because I have an apt. scheduled with the gyn at the end of April and she wanted me to continue tracking these things.  On my “magic weekend” (OPK surge detected), we went to a cozy little log cabin in New Hampshire.  It was private, calm, peaceful, we could even hear the brook outside as we read on the couch!  Loved it.  I thought maybe this was the “relaxation” necessary to conceive.  My cycles had been very irregular since going off of BC in November.  Only two cycles ago did they seem to stabilize at 27 days.  This month, 27 days would have been today.  Only I started spotting Friday, at 24 days.  So now I’m all confused, resigned, angry, impatient, and  annoyed.  I don’t know how to keep doing this.